Trying to connect the dots in a way that doesn't leave me destitute and homeless. My schedule is changing back to Saturday through Tuesdays - now, I'd thought that since the change away from that schedule brought no small amount of grief, the change back to it would be welcomed. This is not the case. But, life goes on.

What has me concerned is that no matter how I try to organize my money, I'm not making enough. Flat out, within a few months I will be completely broke - and this doesn't include finding someone to watch Elizabeth on the Saturdays and Sundays that I work. Yes, there are even difficulties in changing my visitation with my daughter to a time when I'm actually at home. Seems to me like having her on my off days would be pretty simple, but it's being fought tooth and nail - so I'm going to enjoy the custody of my daughter on days where I work from 7am to 7pm. I will see her long enough in the mornings to wake her and take her to someone to watch her, then at the end of my shift I'll pick her up and she'll fall asleep in the car until the next day.

But what has me most concerned, as I said, is that even pretending that I won't be paying a babysitter to watch her during custody, I'll be broke in a few months. Not that I'm not already living on the breadline as it is, but the fact remains that there's no point in the future that I come out on top of things - which is disappointing, as you can imagine. I'd thought that by moving in with a roommate and dropping most of my major bills things would brighten up. But they're not. The bills I've dropped have been replaced with new bills and expenses that cannot be avoided, and my spare time to work extra hours somewhere (anywhere!) are now going to pay for someone to watch my daughter during my custody.

I'm honestly not sure what to do. Or even what I want to do. I've given it some thought lately - not soul-searching and deep contemplate thought, but just skirted the idea - of what I want to do for the rest of my life. If the family life is not for me (or at least not possible anymore) then I guess I focus on career - so what career? It was kind of spurred by one of those "fact about me" quizes that everyone's doing these day. Where do I see myself in ten years. I still don't have an answer - I don't even have a hint of an answer. My life used to be very easy to envision. Now it's just bad comedy with a meandering plot. Step after step, I tread forward and I have no idea where I'm going. I cross bridges without realizing I've crossed them and only dimly recognize when they've collapsed behind me.

The seizures in the right hand are getting worse.